Shadows of Our Past
by TFRiD Queen
Summary: Gandhi/Newton; the friction between Sio and Adam causes the two other members of the Second Platoon to confront their own feelings, as well.


**A/N: Dug up this one-shot Mahe/Jess I wrote like...a few years back. I think I was going to post it but I ended up forgetting...so I figured I might as well post it now since I want to write more Mahesh/Jess too. Set shortly after volume 5 starts, when Sio's hair just turned white.**

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"Sometimes I wonder…if I did the right thing, that day…" The common room was emptier than usual, now that both the Sniper and Ripper were playing the 'moody-angst-game'. It was just her and Gandhi, only half of their usual platoon that sat down for tea, although at this point, she wondered if there was even a point anymore.

"…How were you to know that her friend would be in San Francisco? No one knew; it was a surprise, after all…" That mission, which had only been a simple fly-by to make sure the objects weren't crawling up the coast…Newton had not expected anything other than a standard mission, debrief and then head back.

What had happened instead was an unexpected, but entirely welcome reunion with not only that Kaoru Asao, but a few of her braver classmates as well. It was still so clear in her head…the introductions, the surprising strength with which Asao was able to throw her using her Judo skills when she tried to go in with her usual greeting*…and then the selfies and questions and parting gift of that little plush keychain the sniper always carried around now…

"Even so…I should've known. Should've seen just how…important that girl was to her…"

"Newton…I mean…" There wasn't much the Indian could say that she didn't already know or hadn't already heard of, at this point. The sniper didn't bear any ill will, she knew this. Wasn't like her to blame others, in fact the girl was far more likely to shoulder all her burdens on herself. Much like a certain Ripper, who also preferred to keep things to himself…maybe there was a reason the two clicked right away, even if it hadn't seemed like it.

"I thought, it was important to let her know…what was happening in San Francisco…" The day where the Invasion Objects decided to mount their all-out assault in San Francisco. Her harried knocks on the sleepy sniper's door. The television. The crew in shock.

And that look of horror etched across her once-innocent face…

There was a gentle pat on her back, and the next thing she knew Gandhi was pulling her a little tighter against his chest, rubbing her shoulder. "It was, trust me. What, you'd rather she found out everything secondhand? Through 'official' channels? I think that would've just made her even madder…"

"I suppose you're right…" Not that she could ever claim to know the younger girl as well as their leader did. For all they could get along with and laugh and provide advice, Newton knew in her hearts of hearts, that she would never be as close to the sniper as Jack was. Even without any sort of 'announcement', it was clear there was something going on between them.

Something that only the two of them could share and understand.

"But I guess, it was a shock…that her hair turned white. I'd only ever thought that was just a myth…" Gandhi, his own voice growing rather somber as he piled their plates, filled with crumbs and half-eaten biscuits, into the sink.

"Yeah…" That had been as much a shock to anybody, perhaps even more so than her violent shift in personality. When that Object had swiped off her helmet, the mane of white that flew into the air…

How could she have not noticed how badly the sniper had been affected? Nevermind that Jack should've been the first one to notice, but even so, they were friends, weren't they? Family, right? So why did Sio have to suffer all by herself, only being noticed when it was far too late…

"How could we have let her just…suffer, like that…" Rarely did the blonde feel such heavy feelings of despair, and failure…not since she was a child and her parents were, were…

 _'You know exactly what it's like to lose those close to you…and yet, you weren't there to help Sio at all…'_ She was frustrated and sad, all the same time…and now with just how close to home this topic was hitting for her, personally…a sudden grip of panic seized in her chest and then Newton wanted out of there, away from Gandhi, somewhere where it was just her–

"–Oy Newton, what's–!" She ran past him, breath coming in short pants as she felt the onset of a panic attack happening. It'd been so long since she actually lost it…shouldn't she have this under control by now? She dove onto the couch and wrapped herself into as tight a ball as possible, as if trying to squeeze out every other outside sensation while she gasped for air, unable to stop the flow of memories and images that she'd long locked away.

"Newt–Jess! Hey, hey what's the matter?" The blonde didn't even notice him sitting down, attempting to pry her out of the cushions. "Easy Jess, shh…it's okay, there's nobody here to hurt you…"

"No, you don't understand! They'll come…they'll all come get us, eventually…if I don't get them first–!" Stomp, stomp, just stomp them all out…

"–Nothing's gonna happen, I promise you, okay? Just calm down…deep breaths, that's it, it's okay…" He was murmuring soothing tones against her hair, gripping her with a protectiveness that she rarely got to experience. Her and Gandhi…no, Mahesh. They were always seen as the easy-going pair, the ones who never needed to be serious because their leader could do it for them, and so perhaps they unconsciously started to take on those roles. The playful ones. The nonchalant ones.

And now it seemed, they were paying the terrible price.

"…You know, when I first arrived…I was so scared, too…nevermind that I was just a kid. I didn't know what would happen to me, what those…things even were…I just wanted my mum and dad…" Tears that she hadn't shed in a long time were warm upon her cheek, bleeding through the Indian's uniform but he didn't say a word. "And now, knowing how scared Sio must be after everything…and how hurt she must be without her friend…"

"… _Ṭhīka hai_ …" She didn't understand the words but she knew his sentiments. That, in the end, such events were part of some greater thing that was out of their control. Be it fate, or just coincidence…life was about suffering and living in spite of it, wasn't it?

And what of Jack? Or rather, Adam…it didn't take a genius to figure out how hurt he'd been of Sio's refusal to talk. Keeping a tight lip around the two support members she could have expected as much, but around him? She was surprised his hair wasn't any paler than it already was, the two of them now looking like some sort of bizarre, moon-children couple.

Everything seemed so trivial now; the tea, the quietness, the fact that she should be getting ready for their mission tomorrow but was instead lying on the common room couch with Mahesh, who was still stroking her hair. "…You're undoing my braids."

"Sorry."

"It doesn't matter…" The things that mattered, should've mattered…the time had long passed. "…Even if I could've done all the right things…would that have made a difference in the end…"

"…Is that a rhetorical question, or did you want a straight answer." His fingers were completely tangled into her long hair now with the braids gone.

She shrugged into his lap. "I don't know; I don't know what's going on, or how to fix this…if I should even fix this…"

There was a slight vibration in his chest, and Jess knew he was being fully serious for once. "I think, this is more than just about Sio-chan's own anguish…I think you have been holding a lot of things inside for a long time, haven't you."

Why did he have to be so bloody good at reading people? Maybe it was his past experience in dealing with the seedy underbelly of India's nightlife, or maybe it was just a trait he'd always had. "You already know my story; what's left to say?"

"I know you were just ten when your parents were murdered and the Commander took you in; I know that you were trained and educated and led a fairly normal life until the attack in Taiwan." With a sigh he sat up, angling her against the armrest. "But I don't actually _know_ , you know."

She strained to tear her blue eyes from his onyx gaze, but he grabbed her before she could fully look away. "Don't you…trust me, Jess? Or is that how it is with all you women–seek us men out when you need some momentary comfort, then toss us out when we've served our purpose?" His hardened gaze sent a chill down her spine, for it was unusual for him to be so upset. "Please, talk to me. Adam and Sio are already threatening to tear this platoon apart as it stands; I don't want us to fall down that same trap."

 _Us? Trap?_ Those words seemed to swirl forever in her head before they cleared into a response. "I-I…what do you want me to say?"

"I don't know what it is you want; only you know that." As cryptic a response as ever, from the master of riddles and double-meanings. "But I do know, that you're hiding something," a hand against her left breast, but not in any sort of groping or even a hint of sensual manner, "in here. And if I don't at least try…it'll destroy you, just like it's doing to Sio-chan."

She closed her eyes and counted each beat, each second she was trying to buy. "I want…for us to be all right again. All of us…Sio, Adam, you, me…" There was that feeling of tears again, but she wiped her eyes before they could fall. "But I don't know how to help either of them. Hell, I don't think it's something I, or you, could help…"

"Yeah; somehow I doubt they'd appreciate us interfering, anyway."

"But you know, it's so hard…just watching the two of them fall apart…like this. They don't deserve this–neither of them! And yet I have to just sit there with a smile on my face, to nod and say yes, tell her it's okay– _it's not okay!_ " The blonde had been surprised when that first faint echo of irritation towards the sniper had reared its ugly head after she stepped out of the decontamination shower. "Sometimes I just want to…grab her and go, what the hell's wrong with you?!"

It was a feeling she knew all too well; that sensation of nothingness, of drifting through your existence and wondering what was the point of it all. "I…want to tell Sio…that it's okay…to feel bad. To be sad. That, she doesn't have to be all hardened and hide behind Nobunaga's mask…" A sob and Mahesh handed her a tissue, fingers down her back. "It wasn't like me, where I didn't know anybody…I had to distance myself because there was no other choice. But she does! She has all of us…and yet I don't know why she just pushes us away…"

"…I'm sorry."

There was a moment of confusion, because she couldn't figure out if he was sorry for Sio, or for her…? "What? I didn't say you were wrong…"

This time, it was him who heaved that irritated sigh, the one where he was trying but failing to be calm. "No, it's not that. It's…" Fingers twisting themselves in her hair again, because as skilled as he was in flirting, he too, had that shield around his own heart. "…I wish DOGOO had picked me up earlier. Y'know, I was just a kid too, when I figured I was…different from everyone else."

This she remembered; it had been a surprise she'd learned early on, after one of their casual hookups when he'd been relaxed and more complacent than usual, letting it slip that his background hadn't exactly been the most kosher, despite his e-gene. "What, so you wanted to be raised in a military organization just to get away from the pressure of being 'Mahatma Gandhi'?"

"No; so I could've been there for you from the start." He was looking directly at her now, expression as serious as she'd ever seen. For a moment it felt as if every single barrier he'd erected was finally dropped, and she was looking at the real him, the real Mahesh Mirza, and not the persona he'd carefully constructed all these years.

"I-I…" How many times had they'd teetered on what exactly their relationship was, more so after Sio came along and managed to capture their leader's heart? Friends with benefits, on-and-off, no strings attached…she'd been through just about all of them, and yet none seemed to really explain it. The emotions definitely existed; there were some nights where she felt for certain that this was love, or at least as close as she could come at this point, but other times…just another roll between the sheets, a good, satisfying romp between two consenting adults.

He let out a sarcastic chuckle at her confused expression, though it was mostly aimed at himself. "I knew you'd be surprised to hear that, especially from someone like me. I'll admit, I'm not exactly what most people would consider 'keeper' material; hell, that's Adam all over, no matter how much he tries to hide it." There was an awkward silence, as though he was unsure of how much he should be broaching on the subject himself. "You know…I really do care about you."

"You care about everyone. Though you suck at showing it." The retort came out of her mouth before she could stop it. The instinct to defend herself, to separate and hurt him before he could hurt her…she wished she could turn it off but it was so hard. To let go completely, place her faith 100% in someone other than herself.

He raised an eyebrow. "Well, guess that's something I have to work on, then." His hand however, never left hers–in fact, when did their fingers become entwined in the first place? "But, whether or not you believe me, I know…I care about you more than anyone else. If you want to call it love, or whatever…I don't really care either way but–"

She silenced him with a kiss, the sensation as much a shock to her as it was to him. They'd kissed plenty of times, hell wasn't she the one whose greeting was a French kiss? Yet there was something different this time, some feeling she couldn't quite grasp; it was real, warm, and left her breathless like she was a teenager again with her first crush.

"That was…unexpected…" He blinked at her, not sure of how to respond. "Was that just a spur-of-the-moment thing, or did that actually have a meaning?" He was rewarded with a light smack. "Ow…what is it with you and hitting me all the time…"

"You know, I've come to realize that attitudes aside, men are still morons when it comes to love." Huffing, she fixed her braids up again behind her head. "But…I'm…happy, to hear that. Because sometimes, as arbitrary as it is…we need to hear those words. Else, what's to stop us from making up all sorts of delusions in our own heads?"

"Is that so…but I could argue, repeated usage dulls their effects." He was still tracing his lips, as if trying to convince himself that the kiss had actually taken place. "I know I'm never going to be as romantic as Adam–and before you give me that look, I don't mean the whole 'roses and champagne dinners' and all that; those are just surface actions. The things that matter…like listening to you, being there, knowing your thoughts…they're things I'm not good at. But," and he pulled her close, "I know my feelings are real. That they're not just camaraderie and convenient benefits." And then he let go, let her go back to fixing up her hair and whatever else. "I don't know if that's enough for you. But it's all I can give you."

To hear him talk so earnestly about this giant 'thing' of whatever it was that long defined them…it scared the blonde a little. Maybe it was because they'd spent so long actively avoiding the subject entirely, or because even now, she still was insecure about connecting permanently with someone else… "…To be honest, I don't know; I don't know if that's what I really want, what I'm…looking for." His gaze turned elsewhere and she sensed his disappointment, "but I'm…I want to. To try," she added stupidly as an afterthought, mind scrambled from this sudden intake of information. "I guess deep down, I'm just really scared…"

"Of what." They were sitting up now, leaning against the couch with his arm behind her neck, looking to any observer just like another couple.

"Losing you." It came out as a whisper, her voice suddenly dropping. "It took me…so long to get over…my parents…not until you came along and I…I think it was then, I started to understand what…trust is. What it means to trust someone completely." Before it had always been just her, sent out alone, sometimes with support, but never actually working together.

When he'd just selflessly flung himself in front on their first mission as the 'official' Second Platoon…she'd never understood then, why people would ever want to be self-sacrificing. "I don't think I could handle losing someone I love all over again…"

"Okay. That's fine; that's something I can understand…even if I don't agree. Even if I think it's worth it." Strangely his tone did not carry any hint of sadness, although she wasn't sure if he was just good at hiding it once more.

"Wait, I mean, I–" He was about to leave but she didn't want him to. "I mean…why do we have to put some sort of…label, or whatever on…whatever the hell this is? Whatever we have between us…can't we just continue it? Why change it entirely? What's wrong with…just building upon it."

"We could; but that would mean you'd have to be okay with more. More than just casual sex, or doing whatever the hell we feel like in the moment. And it seems like you're not sure you're ready for it…"

She winced; though there was no malice behind his words, they still pierced her deeply. "I…I'm sorry." There was nothing to be sorry for, but still it felt like she'd wronged him somehow. "I…do want to. I wish for it all the time… Just…I…have to think about this for a bit. Because I can't know what I what's the best course for us…when I don't even know what I want for myself."

"…Fair enough. I apologize if I pushed this upon you too suddenly."

"There's nothing to apologize for; we were bound for this discussion, sooner or later…" Especially now with what happened to Sio; a very real, recent example of just how fragile everything was in this world.

"If you need me…not just now, but anytime…you can always find me, you know. I'll listen, or talk, or…whatever." He shrugged, before taking his leave. "Please don't forget that…Jess."

"I won't. But you have to promise me the same; after all, if this is…going to work, you were the one who said it…that, we need to trust each other."

He gave her a wry grin. "Touché. It seems I can never win against you, can I?"

A small smile was tugging at her lips, despite her sadness. "Maybe, if you try hard enough…Mahesh."


End file.
